I once heard some unfortunate disgruntled person pout out that Christmas, new years and Valentine’s Day were invented to make all single people feel like crap! Why this very morning a certain someone posted on her Facebook wall, “uh-uh, it’s already 10:30am people bwanji? No hugs, no kisses, no cards, no flowers –whats going on?! I can’t believe you same people are going to have the nerve to buy me flowers –zinkhata and post on my profile all sorts of nice things when I pass away. Koma how am I supposed to see what you have posted then – I am dead!”

Perhaps I have been a little dramatic, I paraphrase what I heard through the grape vine at a funeral in case you know this individual. I don’t know how true it is that valentine’s makes single people feel miserable. I think the real truth is that it makes those who feel lonely all the more aware of how miserably alone they are in this world. As I am sure there are many single people who feel pretty loved on Valentine’s Day, my suspicion being these sentiments are foul play from those who could not secure admirers. My spider senses also suspects perhaps it is the female hopefuls that longed for a certain special someone to give them that attention and didn’t get it that would be disgruntled. As these romantic gestured are always remarkably one sided as far as whose pocket needs to be emptied in order to pay for them. Or perhaps it’s my infamous prejudices speaking (I have been told it really is the thought that counts). All in all, for the indifferent African male, all is the same in paradise. Just another day it doesn’t mean squat.

New Year ’s Eve on the other hand – my goodness! Spending that day alone is one of the most excruciating things any human being with family members still walking the earth can go through. I can attest however biased it may be, that New Year’s lonesomeness is almost just as bad as Christmas lonesomeness and should never be willingly attempted. I say forget solitary confinement, prisons should instigate family holiday torture by having inmates alone in their apartment with TV, food and drink in a big city or locked in their urban house whilst the neighbours celebrate and crackle fireworks. Sure valentines may suck for those seeking to be admired, but it can be survived. Christmas and new year’s eve on the other hand either leave you with scars or turn your heart to stone in the name of the age old a coping mechanism also known as “ I out-grew such things, I am a grown up now.”

Or maybe I exaggerate… I am just saying.

By Talumba Chirwa

Timve Mag interviewed new 22 year old Malawian RnB sensation Armstrong. We talked to him about his up and coming projects, who he has been working with and how being signed to Nde’feyo has changed his career in terms of exposure as well as in terms of access to things such as vocal trainers.

TM: I know you are a Malawian RnB artist, is this your fulltime job or do you do something else?

ARMSTNG: Well I am a first year student at the Polytechnic doing a CIM (Chartered Institute of Marketing) degree.

TM: Is that so, all the best with that. By the way why the name Armstrong?

ARMSTNG: Armstrong is actually my real name it is not a stage name.

TM: Oh, who would have suspected. So how did you become an RnB singer, what course in your life brought you to it?

ARMSTNG: Actually originally I started out as a dancer. I used to dance with a crew called G-Soldiers and we won the 2006 talent show held in Zambia. After that experience we changed from being a dance crew to being a group called BBM (Blessed Beyond Measure). But I didn’t really feel like doing the whole gospel thing so I left.

TM: So you moved from dancing to singing in a group, then you went solo?

ARMSTNG: Believe it or not I actually started out as a rapper, I only started seriously singing when I went solo.

TM:  So how did you end up signed to a record label?

ARMSTNG: I recorded some singles with various artists such as Pilgrim and Skid. Which then got me a chance to work under Pro-Pee records, under Pro-Pee records I released the song ‘Beautiful’ featuring Young Kay – it was a success and I developed a buzz! Nde’feyo entertainment signed me officially, because of that hype with the intention of marketing and pushing me right.

TM: Has being signed to Nde’feyo made a difference at all to your career.

ARMSTNG: Oh yes it has in so many ways.

TM: Like how?

ARMSTNG: One of my challenges before I was signed, besides the usual issues of haters, was a lack of resources. Sometimes you would take a song to a Deejay, and they would want you to pay them and I didn’t know what to do to make sure my stuff was heard. Now I feel I am well marketed, I have a vocal trainer, Andrew Phiri, and I get frequent gigs.

TM: Where have you performed?

ARMSTNG: I have performed at Mount Soche, Mwanza Hotel, Salima river side, Shire Highlands, fresh culture, Chez Ntemba, Livingstonia Beach etc – basically a whole lot of places.

TM: I see. So what projects do you have in store for us this year?

ARMSTNG: I have a mixtape called BrB (Be right Back) coming up, it is planned to be released on the 4^th of March and an album is also coming very soon.

TM: Nice. So which producers have you worked with so far and who would you like to work with?

ARMSTNG: I have worked with the likes of Keim (Keithumise Mwale), Percy Manyozo and OBK. Other producers I would like to work with are Taps Bandawe and Pempho Kafoteka.

TM: What do you have to say to your fans everywhere?

ARMSTNG:  To expect good music, to continue supporting me. To know that I value my fans, that I won’t let them down, and that I love them.

If you are interested in Armstrong as well as getting in touch with his music, you can check him out on mwtunes or 1mwmusic.net, and you can find him on facebook /twitter under the name “Armstrong Kalua”.

It’s been a long time since funny men who are relevant to Malawian culture have been available on the level of the legendary Isaac and Jacob. Recently I stumbled upon possibly one of the funniest Malawian skits I have ever encountered. Its sharp wittedness and unpredictable change in direction leaves you chuckling in front of your laptop computer throughout the entire thing. My guess is also that right after you have watched it you won’t be able to resist sending it to a Malawian friend somewhere or a friend who understands Chichewa and African humour.

I don’t want to ruin the experience, but essentially what some gentlemen from the University of Malawi Polytechnic (I hear), have done is they dubbed hilarious voice overs to some scenes of the kunfu block buster, IP Man. The movie is based on the martial arts master who is said to have taught Bruce Lee a fast and devastating style of Chinese boxing known as Wing Chun.

watch?v=ZsVk8k9e6Ew

There is a long and short version of this clip on YouTube, I watched the short version and couldn’t stop laughing, I recommend you watch the short version first. If you are one who does not appreciate African humour, the jokes will fly over you as most of it circulates around the actual Chichewa language and the inappropriately awkward usage of semi-English phrases common in Malawian culture. What makes it perhaps even more funny is the fact that they dubbed over a mandarin version and you can clearly see that though some of the words and actions coincide beautifully to hilarious effect, what is being said can’t be what is really being said… can it?

There are moments that mark ones youth, indeed moments that make our past school days memorable. Events that could not be forgotten and trends that simply had to be joined. The whole Tupac and Biggy thing was nice, but some of us missed that band wagon. I am talking about real manly stuff, a real clash between titans. Such a moment comes to mind; the first time Goku turned super saiyan.

If you are unfamiliar with this event, forgive me as I may not have had you in mind when I wrote this article. However, I will give you a quick back drop to be fair so that you can understand what all the manganje (a Malawian traditional dance) and hullabaloo is about.

Goku is the main character from a Toei Animation studio cartoon known as Dragon Ball. The martial arts/ Sci-Fi series originally aired on the Fuji TV Network and evolved from Dragon Ball to Dragon Ball Z. The show is an action packed comedy-adventure, where anyone who fights can also fly and has superpowers. It is one of the most successful anime (Japanese animations) of all time, with sales of up to 200millions copies of the comic version worldwide.

I would like to begin by confessing to the Timve jury that I actually don’t remember where I was on the noon when the events of the freezer bout unfolded. However I recall being there when all African eyes beheld for the first time the magnificent flashes of blonde hair as Goku powered up in anger after Krilin, Goku’s best friend, had been shot in the head with one of freezer’s lasers. I recall three things; one- that it was awesome, two – that it was really awesome! The third thing I recall is that if you were watching it, you were either tuned into a terrestrial signal from within South Africa or like most of us you had illegal access to etv or SABC’s channel frequencies on your satellite dish from some other part of Africa  -just a hunch.

I unfortunately also recall that we had to wait a whole freaken week just to see him finally finish powering up. Though I might add it was worth it. We had heard of this super saiyan stage thing for months. Agonizing over unnecessary side tracks in the story line and snail paced delivery – gosh! Sometimes one fight would last an entire Iraqi invasion, just dragging on and on. The antagonist and protagonists staring each other down, ridiculing each other, threatening each other, being mad at each other, monologuing, dialoguing,  making promises, making assurances, realizing the other party is also strong, admiring each other, talking and talking and…  you get the idea. This would go on for weeks before one man’s oddly shaped fist would connect to the other man’s gut causing a weird anorak shaped protrusion in the guy’s back.

Anywho, DBZ (dragon ball Z) was huge back then, before they decided to turn Goku into a pink baboon… “Sigh!”

As I reminisce, the whole Goku freezer fight seems blurry for some reason. Oh wait, I know – that’s because in my total douche-ness I missed all of it except the last bit where freezer gets cut in half if I recall correctly. I am so ashamed I feel like I intentionally missed puberty. How could I have missed the Goku-freezer fight? (-Murmurs from anime fans everywhere). I missed out on one of the greatest moments in animation history, when the trend was hot, and till this day I have never watched the full fight. I have tried, but it feels like finally mustering up the courage to kiss a girl a year after you are totally over her and have been introduced to her better looking cousins, Naruto and Bleach.

Anyway my favourite part of the whole DBZ saga was how we would watch an episode and discuss it all week. It gave us a sense of comradery and something good to look forward to each week. It didn’t matter who you were, we were unified, we were all one under anime. I also suspect every boy had a secret crush on android 18, but that’s just me. It was a cult following I tell you, real exhilarating stuff! Though for some reason I was more seriously hooked by Pokemon, there’s something about cute furry little deadly creatures with enough voltage to braai a live cow. And I know most guys will front and act as though they didn’t watch that show…

By Talumba Chirwa

If you didn’t know, now you certainly do. Malawi has a new funky fresh download site called One Malawi Music.net (1mwmusic.net). The site has been live for less than a month and already has gotten massive hits world wide as people are waking up to this new internet resource on free good quality content. The site features the very best of Malawian Gospel, Malawian hiphop, R&B, dancehall and alternative music such as traditional music.

The site is nicely laid out and easy to navigate, artist profiles appear as pictures making the site look flashy and aesthetically pleasing in contrast with a lot of other music download sites in general. Notably to avoid the saturation of substandard or redundant material the authors of the site have resolved to a process of removing any work that has no download traffic every three months. Meaning artists will have a fair amount of time to advertise their work and ensure downloads, but people will not be subjected to unpopular or mundane material, and hence can look forward to visiting a site that will consistently showcase the very best.

Most importantly the features on the site not only facilitate an easy download, but enable you to rate artists and to interact with others around the work of an artist through social network integration, making the 1mwmusic.net experience a unique one.

So if you are looking for new Malawian hits from your favourite Malawian artists based abroad or at home, you know exactly where to go!